Coming Out Strong

Some parts that really resounded with me:

I recognize this as the internalized homophobia that it is, but I can’t deny that it’s present in me. The fact is, that I stop, look, and listen before I demonstrate physical affection toward my beloved in nearly every public setting that is not clearly “queer safe”…

“They are part of the enculturated self- censoring that most queers learn in order to assure their own safety in the world (and sometimes, their very survival). In fact, I had to “unlearn” many other, more rigid, tendencies to automatic hiding when I finally made the decision to be completely “out” as a lesbian.

I don’t edit myself this way because I am ashamed of being a lesbian. I do it because I’m afraid that someone else, who thinks I ought to be ashamed of being a lesbian, might hurt me — or worse, hurt my beloved” …

And especially this:

“My oldest and best friend (a straight, married girl) poo-pooed the whole thing, saying “we’ve come farther than that, the Measure will never pass, tempest-in-a-teapot, blah, blah, blah” — and stated that she couldn’t understand why I was so upset about the whole thing… I remember weeping in her living room as I tried to explain something that was, to her, completely invisible. I talked to her about how scary it had been to come out publicly after having led a fairly comfortable life as a closeted queer, and she just didn’t seem to get why it should be a big deal at all.

So, I issued her and her husband a challenge (and I’ll issue the same challenge to any straight coupled allies here who want to raise their awareness of LBGTQ issues):

Spend an entire week pretending that you’re not a couple. Don’t write a check from a joint bank account. Hide all the photographs in your home and office which would identify you as a couple. Take off your wedding rings. Touch each other, and talk to each other, in public, in ways that could only be interpreted as you being “friends”. Refer to yourself only in the singular “I”, never in the “we”. When you go to work on Monday, if you spent time together on the weekend, include only information which would indicate that you went somewhere with a friend, rather than your life-mate. If someone comes to stay with you, sleep in separate beds. Go intentionally into the closet as a couple. For a week.

They took my challenge.

They lasted exactly three days.

My friend returned to me in tears on day four and said: “I’m sorry. I had no idea what it is like for you.”

[For those of you straight allies who are not coupled, but who want to play along, your challenge is (perhaps) simpler: Spend one week in which you make no mention and give no hint of your sexual orientation at all. When straight people around you are parsing the hotness of the opposite gender, go silent, or play along in a way that makes it seem as if you are part of the gang, but never reveals any real personal information. If someone asks you about your love-life, be evasive and non-committal. If you went on a date, and you’re talking about it later, de-genderize all the pronouns, or consciously switch them (him to her, her to him, etc.).]

That is how I lived for the first 32 years of my life, whether I was single or coupled.”

I’d make the same challenge to any non-queer people out there.

This post really hit me because I’ve been unconsciously thinking about this topic lately. I just got a new job. I’m working as a breakfast cook in a little cafe. It is a great, hip, and very queer friendly environment. So far, I love it. For the most part, line cooking is line cooking, but it makes a huge difference to do it in a comfortable environment.

My last two jobs were a lot like the spaces described in PortlyDyke’s post. I never lied or was evasive about being queer but I never talked about it unless asked. Neither job was particularly comfortable or enjoyable, not because I faced homophobia, but because neither were really open and affirming. One was even a company that was officially gay friendly with a great corporate non-discrimination policy and partner benefits but that didn’t really translate to the felt environment on the ground.

I notice the difference in churches I’ve attended. When I walk into any church, I begin from the assumption that it will not be a queer friendly/safe space unless there is evidence suggesting otherwise. I start guarded unless I know I don’t have to be. I’m no longer willing to actively closet myself but in many situations I am still passively closeted, especially in unfamiliar churches. I hate that I feel I need to do this…I hate that open and affirming churches are the exception, not the norm.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 9:56 am and is filed under heterosexism, privilege, personal sharing, discrimination. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.